by John Bytheway
January 01, 2002
What does it mean to be popular? I'll tell you. I'm not sure. Fact is, it's different wherever you go. Some people are popular in one school, but they might not be in another. Certain extracurricular activities are popular in some schools and not in others. No doubt, you know exactly what the cool things are in your school: the "right" clothes to wear, words to say, music to listen to, activities to try out for, and everything else.
Who figures all this out? Is there a Coolness Club that meets after school and decides what is cool and what isn't? Do they publish a list, or does everyone just know? Does the media figure it out for us? Do those most admired or most visible in our school have an influence? Maybe we're all just following someone and we don't know who!
Oooh, that's a frightening thought, because we could follow them right into nowhere.
Well, what does it mean to be popular, then? I think you already know. Being popular means a lot of people know who you are, and maybe admire you for your self-assurance.
Here's a different question: Who are the people you most respect in your school? (I'm choosing my words carefully—not the most popular, but most respected.) Chances are, they're the ones who are friendly to everyone. They're nice to those who are in "their group," but also to those who are not. They're not "two-faced."
Perhaps you've watched one of these people and noticed how he or she seems to be everyone's friend. And maybe something inside you said, "That's the right way to be; it's the way people ought to be, and I would like to be that way too." When you look up to someone like that, it's called respect. That's what we really ought to be aiming for, isn't it? Respect. Stay with me, and I'll tell you how to get it.
Have you ever had a TV dinner? You know, one of those microwaveable things with food in different compartments? Sometimes we treat people like TV dinners. I don't mean we heat them in the microwave, but we do put them into compartments.
I don't know the names for the compartments in your school, but here are some that I've heard: "These are the jocks, these are the loners, these are the skaters, these are the popular people, like, okay?" And it's almost as if someone is standing over the compartments saying, "All right, nobody move! Hey—you can't talk to him, you're not popular (whack, whack)! Get back in your place!"
Sound familiar? Putting people into compartments is unkind, and it can hurt. And believe me, you were not sent to earth to hurt people. You have more important things to do.
Here's another GQ:
Jesus was the only teacher tall enough to see over the walls that divide the human race into compartments. (Frank Crane)
Did you know that the scriptures talk about these kinds of things? They do. Read carefully. Jesus said,
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5:46-47)
See my point? Nephi taught us to liken the scriptures unto ourselves (see 1 Nephi 19:23). If we were to "liken" that scripture unto high school, how would it sound? How about this:
If you're only nice to the people that are nice to you, big deal; what do you want, a gift certificate? Everyone does that. And if you only say "hi" in the hall to the people that say "hi" to you, what are you doing more than anyone else?
Maybe you know people who are different when they're alone than when they're with their friends. They might say "hi" to you if they're alone, but with their group they act like they've never seen you before. (I see you're nodding your head.) The apostle Paul said, "Be of the same mind one toward another" (Romans 12:16; emphasis added).
Do you want to be popular? Better yet, do you want to be respected? Then no matter how others treat you, be "of the same mind" toward others, not "double minded" or "two-faced." This makes life a whole lot easier because you don't have to put on a new personality to match who you're with. That's too much work! When you're of the same mind you're always yourself, no matter who you're talking to—it's much better. (Besides, being two-faced gets expensive. You have to buy two hair dryers, two curling irons, two toothbrushes, and you're always running out of electrical outlets.)
Being "of the same mind" means you can reach out to others too. There are people in your school who don't have many friends. What can you do about it? Well, when you see someone walking down the hall, eyes on the ground, no friends in sight, you be the one to say "hi." It's just a little word, but actions speak louder than words. Saying "hi" also says, "You're an important person—it doesn't matter whether you're in my 'compartment' or not. I'm not ashamed to recognize you, in front of all these people, as a worthwhile human being and a child of God."
You can really make a person's day, just by saying "hi." And if that's true, just imagine what a difference you could make if you were to call that person by name. Try it sometime. Find out the name of someone who needs a boost. (I'll bet you can think of someone right now.) Next time you see this person in the hall, say, "Hi,_____________" (insert name here).
Let's imagine it happening. One day, you're walking down the hall and you say, "Hi, Jared," and you just keep walking down the hall. Just a casual "Hi, Jared," and you keep right on going. Now what's Jared doing? He's thinking (imagine his thoughts echoing, like in the movies): "How did he know my name?" And you, my friend, have just made a miracle. Someone was just made to feel important . . . by you. You're still walking down the hall, and he's standing with his mouth open, watching you walk away. You never know what burdens your classmates may be carrying, and a simple, friendly "hi" can make a lonely person's world turn from darkness to day.
Of course, we need to be careful about that. It has to be real, or, better said, you have to be real. This isn't something to do, this is something to be. If you walk up to someone and say, "Hi, I'd like to make you my personal service project for the month," it will probably backfire. The caring has to come from the inside out. If we change only how we act on the outside, or in other words our behavior, we might seem condescending and rude. If we really desire from the inside out to help people, we have to change our nature. Then our actions will naturally follow—we will not have to fake it. President Ezra Taft Benson said:
The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. . . . The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. (Ensign, November 1985, 6; emphasis added)
Now, perhaps you're a student leader in your school: a student-body officer, a cheerleader, a class officer, or something else. Good for you! That's great. No doubt that takes a lot of time and energy, and, hopefully, it's a lot of fun too. Amidst all the good times, just remember who helped you get there!
And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments. (D&C 59:21)
The Lord had a hand in your getting that leadership role. You are in a great position to make miracles happen in your school. People look up to you and they will follow you, so lead! Make it the cool thing to do to be kind and accepting to everyone. As the saying goes, "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."
There's one more thing that makes this whole idea a little complicated. It's called boys and girls together in the same place and everyone trying to figure out who likes whom. For example, if they're not careful, boys can "train" the girls not to be nice. Sometimes a girl tries to be nice to a boy and he assumes, "Oh . . . she must like me," when the girl was only trying to be friendly. This can cause so many problems for the girl that she may decide, "Forget this—every time I try to be nice to a guy he misunderstands, and then I have to tell him I just want to be friends, and then he might say I'm stuck up, and YUCK! this just isn't worth it, so I just won't talk to boys." Can you see how easily that can happen? Sometimes we train people not to be nice.
So what's the point? The point is, chill! Let people be nice just to be nice. If a girl likes you in an "I-wish-you'd-ask-me-out" way, you'll know. Girls know how to send that message too. This problem can occur the other way around, when girls misunderstand guys who are just trying to be nice, so perhaps we all need to chill. (Editor's note: The word chill in this case means "calm down." It will probably go out of style someday, so we thought we'd let you know what it means in case it already has. If so, please replace the word chill with something more modern like "disengage warp engines," or "stare off into space and sing a Gregorian chant," which also means "calm down." Thank you.)
Just one more rather serious thought to go with all this. If Jesus were to visit your high school, where would he go? What group would he spend his time with? We'll answer that question by asking another: Where did he go when he was on the earth? He spent his time with the lonely, the outcast, the lepers, those who didn't fit in—and he healed them. Using Jesus' example as our guide, what should we do?
George Albert Smith was one of the presidents of the Church. When I was in seminary, our teacher showed us George Albert Smith's "creed" or code of conduct. This is good stuff—I'll never forget it. It's divided into ten statements, which I'll share with you here. (The ones that stuck out most in my mind are italicized.)
January 01, 2002
What does it mean to be popular? I'll tell you. I'm not sure. Fact is, it's different wherever you go. Some people are popular in one school, but they might not be in another. Certain extracurricular activities are popular in some schools and not in others. No doubt, you know exactly what the cool things are in your school: the "right" clothes to wear, words to say, music to listen to, activities to try out for, and everything else.
Who figures all this out? Is there a Coolness Club that meets after school and decides what is cool and what isn't? Do they publish a list, or does everyone just know? Does the media figure it out for us? Do those most admired or most visible in our school have an influence? Maybe we're all just following someone and we don't know who!
Oooh, that's a frightening thought, because we could follow them right into nowhere.
Well, what does it mean to be popular, then? I think you already know. Being popular means a lot of people know who you are, and maybe admire you for your self-assurance.
Here's a different question: Who are the people you most respect in your school? (I'm choosing my words carefully—not the most popular, but most respected.) Chances are, they're the ones who are friendly to everyone. They're nice to those who are in "their group," but also to those who are not. They're not "two-faced."
Perhaps you've watched one of these people and noticed how he or she seems to be everyone's friend. And maybe something inside you said, "That's the right way to be; it's the way people ought to be, and I would like to be that way too." When you look up to someone like that, it's called respect. That's what we really ought to be aiming for, isn't it? Respect. Stay with me, and I'll tell you how to get it.
Have you ever had a TV dinner? You know, one of those microwaveable things with food in different compartments? Sometimes we treat people like TV dinners. I don't mean we heat them in the microwave, but we do put them into compartments.
I don't know the names for the compartments in your school, but here are some that I've heard: "These are the jocks, these are the loners, these are the skaters, these are the popular people, like, okay?" And it's almost as if someone is standing over the compartments saying, "All right, nobody move! Hey—you can't talk to him, you're not popular (whack, whack)! Get back in your place!"
Sound familiar? Putting people into compartments is unkind, and it can hurt. And believe me, you were not sent to earth to hurt people. You have more important things to do.
Here's another GQ:
Jesus was the only teacher tall enough to see over the walls that divide the human race into compartments. (Frank Crane)
Did you know that the scriptures talk about these kinds of things? They do. Read carefully. Jesus said,
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5:46-47)
See my point? Nephi taught us to liken the scriptures unto ourselves (see 1 Nephi 19:23). If we were to "liken" that scripture unto high school, how would it sound? How about this:
If you're only nice to the people that are nice to you, big deal; what do you want, a gift certificate? Everyone does that. And if you only say "hi" in the hall to the people that say "hi" to you, what are you doing more than anyone else?
Maybe you know people who are different when they're alone than when they're with their friends. They might say "hi" to you if they're alone, but with their group they act like they've never seen you before. (I see you're nodding your head.) The apostle Paul said, "Be of the same mind one toward another" (Romans 12:16; emphasis added).
Do you want to be popular? Better yet, do you want to be respected? Then no matter how others treat you, be "of the same mind" toward others, not "double minded" or "two-faced." This makes life a whole lot easier because you don't have to put on a new personality to match who you're with. That's too much work! When you're of the same mind you're always yourself, no matter who you're talking to—it's much better. (Besides, being two-faced gets expensive. You have to buy two hair dryers, two curling irons, two toothbrushes, and you're always running out of electrical outlets.)
Being "of the same mind" means you can reach out to others too. There are people in your school who don't have many friends. What can you do about it? Well, when you see someone walking down the hall, eyes on the ground, no friends in sight, you be the one to say "hi." It's just a little word, but actions speak louder than words. Saying "hi" also says, "You're an important person—it doesn't matter whether you're in my 'compartment' or not. I'm not ashamed to recognize you, in front of all these people, as a worthwhile human being and a child of God."
You can really make a person's day, just by saying "hi." And if that's true, just imagine what a difference you could make if you were to call that person by name. Try it sometime. Find out the name of someone who needs a boost. (I'll bet you can think of someone right now.) Next time you see this person in the hall, say, "Hi,_____________" (insert name here).
Let's imagine it happening. One day, you're walking down the hall and you say, "Hi, Jared," and you just keep walking down the hall. Just a casual "Hi, Jared," and you keep right on going. Now what's Jared doing? He's thinking (imagine his thoughts echoing, like in the movies): "How did he know my name?" And you, my friend, have just made a miracle. Someone was just made to feel important . . . by you. You're still walking down the hall, and he's standing with his mouth open, watching you walk away. You never know what burdens your classmates may be carrying, and a simple, friendly "hi" can make a lonely person's world turn from darkness to day.
Of course, we need to be careful about that. It has to be real, or, better said, you have to be real. This isn't something to do, this is something to be. If you walk up to someone and say, "Hi, I'd like to make you my personal service project for the month," it will probably backfire. The caring has to come from the inside out. If we change only how we act on the outside, or in other words our behavior, we might seem condescending and rude. If we really desire from the inside out to help people, we have to change our nature. Then our actions will naturally follow—we will not have to fake it. President Ezra Taft Benson said:
The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. . . . The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. (Ensign, November 1985, 6; emphasis added)
Now, perhaps you're a student leader in your school: a student-body officer, a cheerleader, a class officer, or something else. Good for you! That's great. No doubt that takes a lot of time and energy, and, hopefully, it's a lot of fun too. Amidst all the good times, just remember who helped you get there!
And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments. (D&C 59:21)
The Lord had a hand in your getting that leadership role. You are in a great position to make miracles happen in your school. People look up to you and they will follow you, so lead! Make it the cool thing to do to be kind and accepting to everyone. As the saying goes, "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."
There's one more thing that makes this whole idea a little complicated. It's called boys and girls together in the same place and everyone trying to figure out who likes whom. For example, if they're not careful, boys can "train" the girls not to be nice. Sometimes a girl tries to be nice to a boy and he assumes, "Oh . . . she must like me," when the girl was only trying to be friendly. This can cause so many problems for the girl that she may decide, "Forget this—every time I try to be nice to a guy he misunderstands, and then I have to tell him I just want to be friends, and then he might say I'm stuck up, and YUCK! this just isn't worth it, so I just won't talk to boys." Can you see how easily that can happen? Sometimes we train people not to be nice.
So what's the point? The point is, chill! Let people be nice just to be nice. If a girl likes you in an "I-wish-you'd-ask-me-out" way, you'll know. Girls know how to send that message too. This problem can occur the other way around, when girls misunderstand guys who are just trying to be nice, so perhaps we all need to chill. (Editor's note: The word chill in this case means "calm down." It will probably go out of style someday, so we thought we'd let you know what it means in case it already has. If so, please replace the word chill with something more modern like "disengage warp engines," or "stare off into space and sing a Gregorian chant," which also means "calm down." Thank you.)
Just one more rather serious thought to go with all this. If Jesus were to visit your high school, where would he go? What group would he spend his time with? We'll answer that question by asking another: Where did he go when he was on the earth? He spent his time with the lonely, the outcast, the lepers, those who didn't fit in—and he healed them. Using Jesus' example as our guide, what should we do?
George Albert Smith was one of the presidents of the Church. When I was in seminary, our teacher showed us George Albert Smith's "creed" or code of conduct. This is good stuff—I'll never forget it. It's divided into ten statements, which I'll share with you here. (The ones that stuck out most in my mind are italicized.)
1. I would be a friend to the friendless and find joy in ministering to the needs of the poor.
2. I would visit the sick and the afflicted and inspire in them a desire to be healed.
3. I would teach the truth to the understanding and blessing of all mankind.
4. I would seek out the erring one, and try to win him back to a righteous and happy life.
5. I would not seek to force people to live up to my ideals, but rather love them into doing the thing that is right.
6. I would live with the masses and help to solve their problems that their earth life may be happy.
7. I would avoid the publicity of high positions and discourage the flattery of thoughtless friends.
8. I would not knowingly wound the feelings of any, not even one who may have wronged me, but would seek to do him good and make him my friend.
9. I would overcome the tendency to selfishness and jealousy and rejoice in the success of all of the children of our Heavenly Father.
10. I would not be an enemy to any living soul. Knowing that the Redeemer of mankind has offered unto the world the only plan that would fully develop us, and make us really happy here and hereafter; I feel it not only a duty, but a privilege to disseminate this truth (Sharing the Gospel with Others, comp. Preston Nibley [Salt Lake City: Deseret News Press, 1948], 1).
Aren't those great goals? To be "a friend to the friendless," and "not be an enemy to any living soul." Can you imagine what a different world we would have if everyone lived by President Smith's creed!
How do you become popular? I'll tell you. Stop trying, and forget it. Be you. Focus on being who God wants you to be, and the rest will happen. You will be respected. It is much better to be respected than to be popular. Hmmm, that sounded profound, can I say that again? It is better to be respected than to be popular. And who knows, maybe you'll be both. You'll be popular because you're respected. You won't have to go off to college remembering regrets from high school.
Besides, popularity can be a fleeting thing. I remember some of my classmates from back in junior high school. I remember observing some who were so confident, so popular. They wore all the right clothes; they said all the right things. I watched them a lot, because I guess I kind of admired their confidence. I wanted to be like that.
Years passed. One day when I was a senior in high school, I thought about some of those people I had looked up to in junior high. Where did they go? Many of them weren't in the limelight anymore. Something happened. They were the ones who had started dating early, who had started partying before everyone else. They got ahead of themselves, and many of them blew it. They made mistakes and damaged their reputations. And it seemed like another group of students—the ones who were a little quieter in junior high—kind of stepped up into their spots and took over. Interesting.
Anyway, if you're not "popular," please, don't spend one calorie of energy worrying about it. It's not that big a deal. There is life after high school: Your experience there is not a forecast for your life. You're in much better company if you spend your energy getting acquainted with your Father in Heaven, and being "popular" with or known by him.
All you have to do is do the best you can at being you—and that shouldn't be too hard. You've been doing it since you were born. Popular people don't get that way by imitating others—they're popular because they're comfortable being themselves. Make sense? I hope so. As Og Mandino once said:
Be yourself. Try to be anything else but your genuine self, even if you deceive the entire world, and you will be ten thousand times worse than nothing. . . . You have been blessed with special skills that are yours alone. Use them, whatever they may be, and forget about wearing another's hat. A talented chariot driver can win gold and renown with his skills. Let him pick figs and he would starve. No one can take your place! Realize this and be yourself. You have no obligation to succeed. You have only the obligation to be true to yourself. Do the very best that you can, in the things you do best, and you will know, in thy soul, that you are the greatest success in the world. (The Greatest Success in the World [New York: Bantam Books, 1981], 94)
I love that! I want to change one word, though. "You have no obligation to be popular! You have only the obligation to be true to yourself." Live your life by your values, and you'll earn respect. I'll say it one more time: It is better to be respected than to be popular. Popularity ends on yearbook day, but respect lasts forever. Why do I say forever? Well, the last time I saw most of my high school classmates was on graduation day. Unfortunately, the last thing I remember about a few of them is how mean they were. (I'm hopeful that they've changed. I'm hopeful that we all have.) Other students I remember well because I had such great respect for them—I still do. That's why I say respect lasts forever. So here's the question: What lasting memory do you want to leave in the minds of your classmates?
On your graduation day, many of you will grab your yearbooks and try to summarize your high-school years in one or two sentences. Which tribute would you rather see: "I didn't know you very well, but I always respected you for the way you lived, and the way you treated others. Thank you for being a friend when I felt like I didn't have one," or, "No way! You were like, so totally popular, okay?"?
As for high school, you have three or four years to do it, and the rest of eternity to think about it.
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